I'd accept the apology, but you and I both know that it wasn't for me
I'd pretend to start over, but you know I gave you too much
I'd take it all back, but you buried it behind the lies
Put the diamonds in a box and dug until it melted
All the while saying you'd keep it safe, you promised you'd keep me safe
I begged to be a sentiment
I begged to be anything at all
And you promised until you knew I'd trust
And you swore until I thought you couldn't fall
But you fell and you tore me down with you
I sing, but you'll never listen again
I speak, but you never believed a word I said
I live, but I'll never earn another glance
You'll die before you ask for a second chance
Was the heat just too much for you, dearest?
Because you broke down and dove down
Into the hole that you dug for me without ever knowing why
And I just had to burn along side you
But that's how we love here on the dimmer grass
I would have stood by you until we fell
But I didn't expect you to push me down
I don't care if you see the error of your ways
If you refuse to face up to the horror I faced
[I like some of what I have going with this one. I'm going to work with it, I think. Give it more structure and see if I can maybe make it rhyme more. Thoughts would be appreciated.]
2 comments:
The first two lines seem awfully long, and I know it's strange to have someone like me (who uses lines twice that long) to say it, but they do seem kind of...awkward.
"and you swore until I thought you couldn't fall" also seems a bit out of rhythm.
I would take the second 'you' out of the final line of that stanza.
I think "You'll die.." might work better as "you would die.." which is one syllable longer, and a touch more cliche, but I also think it fits better.
"Into the hole you dug for me without ever knowing why' needs cleared up. Did the person (*sigh*)
dig the hole without knowing why, or dive in without knowing why? Or is it you that doesn't know why the person did any of the above? Clarification would be nice.
How can you be down the hole, and on the dimmer grass, both at once? I think some sort of transition between the two would be good.
Also, I think you probably use "just" too much in that stanza.
"And I had to burn alongside you" seems...like you could polish it up, somehow, and make it more attention-grabbing.
The two couplets are both loaded with potential, but I'm not seeing it fulfilled, at this point.
I think that might be my main complaint about this one- not all of it is as attention-grabbing as most of your songs. It might simply be that I know what you're writing about, and therefore I see what you mean, instead of just what you say, but I, too, like some of where you're going with this one.
I should e-mail you the song I wrote about loosely the same subject. It's a bit nastier. *sad chuckle*
It needs a lot of cleaning up, and I'll definitely keep in mind what you said. I agree with all your critiques, too. The nice thing about having others critique your work is that they can point all those little things that the writer doesn't like but can't quite put their finger on. *laugh*
I will mention, however, that the song is so far not in any certain order and has no structure whatsoever. I didn't focus a whole lot on structure and rhythm for the sake of coming up with anything and everything I could. It's definitely a first draft, but I like it so far, I think.
You should send me your song. I would like to see it.
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